14 August 2014

Happy Birthday, Zero

Writing a blog for nine years now has been a bit of a curse and a bit of a blessing at times. Some people get offended when they end up in it, and some get offended when they don’t.
They’re called The Misadventures for a reason-- it’s usually more fun to write about the mishaps, the quirky interactions, and quite frankly, the way that I retain my privacy and distance is to keep the truly touching moments to myself.

A few days ago I came across the following tweet in my feed:

All I want for my birthday is to be immortalized in the infamous @coatcheckgirl  blog.

The man who wrote it is somebody very dear to me. I originally met him years ago when I was dating his bandmate. He was beautiful, and I was intrigued by the way he moved--- as if apologizing for his very existence.
I broke up with that particular man-child, his bandmate, and didn’t see my friend again for several years.
We finally reconnected a few years ago. I think it was through a mutual friend, online.
There are some people in my life, the truly special ones, with whom I can never remember how we actually became friends. It’s hard for me to believe there was a time that I didn’t know them, that they weren’t important to me, so I tend to block out those details.
Haven’t you always been a part of my life?
I do vaguely recall a ride to the airport, probably for one of my ill-fated trips to visit some guy or another.
See? Better to remember that we’ve always been friends.
There was talk of meeting up: coffee, tea, dinner. And then he’d moved across the country, just like that. Phone calls, texts, messages. That’s how we really got to know each other. The distance, no doubt, allowing us both to open up a bit more.
When he came back for a visit, I was in a low place. I was depressed and sick, barely able to get out of bed for days at a time, but I was not going to miss out on the opportunity to climb him like a jungle gym.

I wasn’t exactly in top climbing form.

While pondering this post I tried to look for the humor, the awkwardness, the lascivious details, but the truth is he gave me something few men have. It’s the type of thing I rarely write about.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve become a little less likely to kick people out as soon as I get off, though I still typically prefer to sleep alone. I’m not much of a cuddler. Still, I’d invited him to stay with me, so there was no helping it.
He still had the same self-effacing manner I remembered, as though the were constantly trying to hide his sturdy 6’-plus frame, or make himself smaller somehow.
I was resigned to not getting any sleep, but not for the reasons you might suspect. I simply don’t sleep well when there’s another body in my bed. I wake at every move, every shift, the slightest noise.

I woke up to the softest, most tender little kisses on my cheek and forehead. He was leaning over me, fully dressed. It startled me, to think I had slept so soundly that he’d been able to get up, shower, dress, and gather his things without me waking up.
So, no, this is not a steamy tale of sexual exploits, and shared orgasms (though there were a few of those too). My prevailing memory of him is one of absolute trust and vulnerability, something I rarely share with anyone. He showed me a sweet sort of adoration and affection, and created a space for me to feel safe, which in and of itself was a bit...scary?
It was also tinged with the inevitable sadness of knowing it would be so very fleeting.

More than anything, he longed to be a husband and a father. I’ve never met a man more determined to walk that path. I can't say that I understood or even now understand that drive, but I certainly respect it and wished that he would find it.

I am happy to report that not long after that trip, Zero met She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. They are now engaged and well on the way to fulfilling his hopes and dreams of family.

Happy birthday, Zero.

You wanted to be immortalized in the blog. I hope you are not too disappointed to find affection and compersion rather than the usual snark.

May you and S.W.M.B.O share a lifetime of happiness and love!

xo,

Infamous CoatCheck Girl

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