go with my blessing.
May you sleep peacefully
in the arms of the Buddha
It's been a little over two weeks since the abortion. Physically, it's been exhausting. I've been taking iron to keep my strength up. I bled pretty heavily for the first week or so, and was told it could continue for up to 5 weeks, off and on.
Emotionally...well the old cliche "emotional rollercoaster" comes to mind. I am relieved because I know it was the right decision, for countless reasons, but I have been struggling with conflicting emotions, nonetheless.
For the first week at least, my lover did a lot to see me through what was happening. I feel a true sense of connection to motherhood now that I had never felt before, therefore a great sense of loss. At first I felt like I had lost some bit of my innocence. Even in doing and experiencing things a lot of people would not consider innocent or pure I have always maintained this sense of purity, because I approached those things with pure intent. It may have been the hormones, though, because I no longer feel like this.
My relationship with my lover did not seem to be too negatively affected. He was as loving and solicitous as ever. He did hint at feeling remorse or guilt at having caused me to go through this whole ordeal, but I tried to reassure him. Through it all I felt nothing but love for him, not blame. This was not "done" to me. I am an adult and do my best to take responsibility for my actions. Even as I lay curled up in the throes of miscarriage I loved him and lusted for him. I admit that last one surprised me a bit. Our activities were not curtailed much, except for one obvious restriction.
He encouraged me to rest and heal, said all of the right things.
Then week two. We resumed all of our former activities, which brought on renewed bleeding and cramping. I could see that he felt guilty, but again tried to reassure him. When we said goodbye outside of my work last Tuesday morning I had a feeling. I kissed him and looked at him, not wanting to leave just yet. I had tears in my eyes as I walked into work. The night before he had talked about wanting to move to L.A., feeling that he has nothing to keep him here, wanting to make a fresh start, to give attention to things he feels he has neglected. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He wouldn't talk much about how this has specifically affected him, but there was that underlying feeling of guilt again.
I didn't hear from him all week, except for a text and email asking for Reiki for him and for a friend. He had focused a lot of energy on me the previous week and I understood that he might need some time, so I did not call him. By Sunday I was resigned to saying goodbye. We were supposed to go to a show, but those plans fell through. When he asked to meet for a drink, my suspicions were confirmed. Public place. I asked him to bring a couple of my things that he had.
He actually used the phrase "do penance". He feels he has to do penance for what has happened. He feels obligated to be there for his friend's kid to somehow make up for this. He can't bear to be around me, touch me, because it just reminds him, makes him think of what his son would have looked like or when he'd be born...He'd given me some rousing speech about being there for each other, but now he wants to do it alone, and leave me to deal with things alone...or how I would have anyway, with the support of friends and family, had he just walked away when I asked him to.
I even got the "let's be friends". I should call him, he said, if I want to cook dinner some night or go to Colombia or do any of a number of things that we talked about doing.
Ordinarily, once the romantic relationship is over I can slip right into friend mode, but this one will be more complicated. Let's face it, I am a Leo and I don't handle rejection well. While he admitted that few are ever fortunate enough to be loved so unconditionally, he doesn't want it, he doesn't feel like he should have that. He fears that he breaks everything he touches. I am now inclined to agree with him, but I believe it is by choice.
I ask for honesty and I feel lied to. Had he just left before this, I would have had plenty of support. Now I have to deal with feeling like a leper and the disappointment of betrayal on top of everything else. A woman scorned? You bet'cha.
Still, everything happens for a reason. Several of the people that I saw about the cyst in the last four years spoke of it in terms of a pregnancy of sorts. Something that was gestating within me that had manifested physically. They seemed to agree that it would be a rite of passage and a great lesson, when the time came. They predicted that I would really come into my own and tap into something very powerful that was contained within it.
I thank him for the part that he has played in this, no matter how reluctantly.