When I was preparing for my show with Auditory Sculpture I dug up some old pieces I thought I might want to re-work for the occasion, or to see if they might inspire new pieces. Amongst my own writings, I found poems and songs written for and about me by different lovers over the span of several years. Oddly enough, two of them were about one specific night, a night when I also performed with Auditory Sculpture 8 years ago. I was out with a full entourage and two of the boys presented me with their respective views on the evening.
One likened it to watching a parade, and, though then "favored by the Spanish queen" as he put it, he pointed out the futility of he or any of the other hopefuls waiting for me to stop for them. One of those very same hopefuls mused whether:
"…to pace round the station, my temperature dropping
Or chase down a train that will never be stopping
"It's easier to tie her up
than tie her down"
"She has mastered the craft of the 6 night stand
and on the 7th day she rests." (J.L.)
It's a brilliant line, but, ouch! I just wish it hadn't been written about me.
My first thought, of course, was: wow, I've dated a bunch of whiny man-bitches!
But it's my nature to be aloof, my nature to run, have one foot out the door, jump from rock to rock. It's my emotional identity, part my creative process.
All of these reasons I had flung back at me by lovers who "had" me only in the most fleeting sense. For the most part there were no painful, explosive break-ups. I simply never let them in and moved on when somebody else caught my interest. I am fortunate to count many of them as friends today, but occasionally the question comes up.
Why? Why didn't it work out between us?
Sometimes it was a matter of circumstance or timing, but in most cases all I can say is: I don't know, it's just how I am.
Ten years later, the tune hasn't changed. And there is no point in speculating on whether any of them could have been The One--- I don't really believe there is just One--- but many of them were good people, with good intentions, looking for love or companionship that I wouldn't give them.
It's just how I am. It's my nature.
There's that phrase again.
I'll never forget one dear friend, former lover, standing at my door with a book and an earnest look in his eyes. "I'm giving you this because I love you. Will you please read it?"
"Are you kidding?" I asked looking at the title 'The Sexual Healing Journey'."Really?"
He and others trying to dig deep for dark secrets in my past, something that would make me "this way".
It's just how I am. It's my nature.
I always had multiple crushes when I was a kid. I watched my parents flirt, watched Dad woo Mom daily--- even from his death bed. No knock-down-drag-out fights, maybe the occasional terse words and an hour of silence, but "never go to bed angry" they always said.
And still, I never longed for that One person. I didn't dream of marriage and kids. My biggest fear was getting trappped into the life of the women I saw around me in Colombia. My father's biggest fear as he lay dying was that I would never have, never allow a man to take care of me.
I have always been this way, string sets of lovers. Even young love, innocent love, where we held hands until the recess bell. I always wondered what it would be like to hold hands with that other boy, that other girl.
It's the thought of what else I might be missing out on that keeps me on the move. And so I ponder the nature of habits, of human nature and what that really means.
It's just who I am.
It's just who I've become.
It's just who I've choosen to be.
And suddenly, it's a choice I've made.