About a week ago, I posted a myspace "status update" posing the question:
Is there such a thing as a wasted epiphany?
A reply came from an unexpected source, a British producer/musician who happened to spot the update. He could relate to the sentiment, and so he wrote:
Life is a series of wasted epiphanies. Or as a simpler soul might put it- no pain no gain.
Cheer up old bean."
Intellectually, I know it's not the case. There are no wasted epiphanies--- no knowledge gained is wasted--- but it's hard to see it that way right now.
In looking back through the last year, I thought I had made great progress; realizing how closed off I had been, and braving the daunting possibility of opening up to somebody again.
But it always comes back to choices, doesn't it? Epiphanies or no, I realize I am still making bad choices. Either I choose people unworthy of my affections or people who spurn them. To be fair, in Zig Zag's case neither is entirely accurate. He is most certainly worthy. As for the other...well, I do not doubt that he has a genuine affection for me, but he's..."not ready" and says doesn't want to drag me along as he tries to figure it all out.
I can certainly empathize with and respect his position. I also, am somebody who tries to engage in self-reflection, to take responsibility for my own baggage, and work on personal issues as I become aware of them. However, I also feel that when it comes to dealing with issues on how one relates to others, there is only so much work that can be done internally. In the long run all that theoretical work is just that--- theory. At some point it has to be put into practice...even if you end up having to dismiss a few experiences as nothing but trial runs.
I could make this or other arguments, but the truth is I really deserve to be with somebody who doesn't need convincing. It is no small feat for me to be willing to open up to somebody. I once likened it to pulling teeth--- it's difficult and it's painful and you'll pretty much have to knock me out to do it. If I'm willing to take a chance, the other person should be too.
Somebody had to make a decisive move, and I finally realized it had to be me. I couldn't wait around, risking further emotional attachment for "maybes". Maybe he'll work out his internal struggles, maybe he'll decide he's ready to explore something deeper, and maybe it will be with me...
I couldn't help but draw comparisons between this and the last time I felt I was ready to put myself out there, emotionally. I'm not the only one who has observed the similarities. Several friends have pointed out the comparisons between him (Zig Zag) and the last object of my deeper affections, my Freckled Friend. Zig Zag was originally offended when I mentioned it, as he'd heard nothing but the morally reprehensible things this individual had done.
They are nothing alike.
Zig Zag is more self-aware than my Freckled Friend could ever hope to be... and he would never betray my trust in such an unconscionable manner. The similarity my friends and I had noted was simply in my willingness to explore some level of emotional intimacy, and the hope and courage with which I approached them both.
Still, I can't help but hear echoes of my last attempt. The words "I don't want it" echo in my head, even if this time they are tempered with an unspoken "for now..."
But I'm not one to wait around.
Zig Zag made a wry observation about patience. I had to point out that there's patience, and then there's masochism--- I don't really go in for the emotional kind.
I wish I could approach this with my usual disregard for outcome but, then... this is not my usual type of "relationship". I normally go for superficial and disposable. I don't get emotionally invested. Unfortunately for me, this time that's not the case.
There was no other choice but to take a stand...and open that bottle of champagne in my fridge.
So, here's a toast... (or six or seven) to me... for taking a stand for what I deserve...Salud!