25 February 2008

Admitting Defeat

I feel utterly defeated. For the first time in many years I feel completely without direction or even the energy to pick one.
I had hoped the spectacular low that ushered in 2008 was a sign that things would only go up from there. So far, that does not seem to be the case.
I'm actually getting to the point of considering packing up and going to stay with my mom in Eugene for a couple of months. Not once, since I moved out at the age of 18 have I considered such a thing. Unfortunately, I'm only too aware that our demons follow wherever we go, but I feel like I need time and a change of scenery to help me sort them all out.

I feel like I've had nothing but a series of failures, professionally, personally...near misses that have left me full of uncertainty.

It's ironic...I get nothing but admiration and encouragement from some amazing, strong ladies. They tell me they admire my strength and courage... and it makes me feel like a fraud---I feel anything but.

This last emotional blunder has, if anything, left me more cynical than ever. I don't even want to get close enough to a guy to screw one (as much as some friends insist that's exactly what I need), let alone get emotionally close.

I'm discouraged by the fact that I can't seem to translate my photography skills (or Reiki, or writing for that matter) into a viable income.

And the blog may be the biggest professional disappointment I've suffered this year. Despite my repeated requests that he not pursue a treatment of my blog (for a screenplay), Snow White went ahead and started writing one, reassuring me that it was still my story. I argued that it would be his name on the check, he would be profiting from my work, if he continued to pursue it and actually sell it. I asked him again to drop it. When he brought it up again it was by way of some emails, from him and supposedly somebody at Warner Brothers, saying they liked his pitch, and asking to see a first act.
I asked him again why he had pursued it. I got more reassurances and I didn't really think more about it until...
I was unexpectedly presented with what looked like a promising opportunity to develop the blog into something more. It came through a friend and I confided in him my concerns about somebody else possibly developing my work. He tried to help me track down names and other details that we could glean from the emails Snow White had sent, but was unable to verify any of the "facts".
It's hard to separate fact from fiction in what Snow White said, but even the remote possibility that he might have indeed pitched it as his own work, and the fact that I might have to pursue legal action against him to protect my material, pretty much dashed any hopes of my opportunity coming to fruition.

I feel like if something doesn't develop with the blog soon, it never will. Let's face it, I can't keep "misadventuring" forever. I'm not in the mood and, really, people keep coming back out of prurient interest, a vicarious thrill. Few want to read about me learning English or growing up in Colombia---they want to read about somebody living out the fantasies they're too scared to, or so it seems.
It could make for a few dull years of reading. That is, until I'm old enough to officially be a "cougar" and start trolling bars in the Pearl for dumb, pretty 25 year olds.

One friend also suggested it may be the blog itself that has put me in an odd spot. He says guys will always hope they'll be the last one, that they will get a sweet, "crushy" blog and that will be the end of the Misadventures. Of course, having been the subject of some pretty scathing entries himself, he may have been projecting just a bit.

It's at times like these when I wish I could go back and be a "sleeper". I would work some mind numbing job, maybe as a bank teller or something. I'd go out and get drunk every weekend at whatever the latest hip club is, and the most pressing thing on my mind would be saving up for a cute pair of ridiculously overpriced shoes or something.
All Content Copyright 2008, Juliana Tobón. All Rights Reserved

1 comment:

  1. Where are the blogs from 2005-2008? Can you send me a link, please.



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