Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
One of the reasons I had not blogged much over the last two months was because of Snow White. Due to the age difference, some early conversations, and assumptions he made based on my blogs, he had insisted he did not want to keep me from doing anything I might want to do. He was referring, of course, to me pursuing other...misadventures.
"I just don't want to know," he would say emphatically.
I prefer a little more "openness" in my open relationships, but I didn't argue the point, at least not at first. The blog, however, presented a bit of a problem.
"I just won't read it," he told me when I brought it up.
I knew it was inevitable that curiosity would get the better of him, so I kept my misadventures to myself.
I remember once talking about polyamory with a co-worker who lived with three women, all of whom had children by him. I was acquainted with all of them, and on the surface at least, they seemed to make it work.
I asked him what the secret was.
"Being open, honest, considerate and respectful." he told me.
That is how I try to conduct my relationships anyway, but I have yet, even to this day, to have a polyamorous relationship where the men were completely comfortable with such a situation.
"Of course not!" He exclaimed and looked at me like I was a silly girl. "You're a girl."
His theory was that it would never work in the reverse. Guys are too competitive, he explained. A man will always be wondering why he's not enough. And forget telling one guy you can't go out one night because you have plans with another!
I hate to admit that this particular co-worker would be right about anything, especially where relationships are concerned, but I fear he may have been on this point.
Try as he might to be at peace with it, I know it rankled Snow White to think that I might be involved with other people. Pride would not allow him to ask me about it, after having been so insistent on not wanting to know.
I suppose I should be flattered that some people have been willing to bend their own rules, and push their own boundaries in order to be with me. That feeling of flattery quickly dissipates, however, when it becomes apparent that the men in question (and it is most often the men) are not really being true to who they are.
I'm told that one of my more charming (or, depending on who you ask, infuriating) qualities is that I am unapologetically "me". That is a quality I admire in others as well. I can't fault my lovers for the personal choices they make, nor can I take responsibility for those choices. When they compromise themselves too much, frankly, I begin to lose interest and respect for them.
I don't like seeing people I care about lose themselves in a relationship, even if---especially if--- that relationship is with me.
I'm not opposed to monogamous relationships as a general rule, I just rarely find a person who can challenge me and hold my interest enough to inspire that sort of devotion in me.
Is it too much to ask to find intelligent conversation, communication, compassionate understanding, and great sex with one person?
To tell the truth I haven't wanted to find that person in the past year. The last one I thought had those qualities ended up sorely lacking in the compassion department, and that's putting it very mildly. It has made me somewhat hesitant, so I have purposely kept my interests...diversified.
These are all ideas I have been forced to re-examine of late thanks to...who else? A guy. One who has occupied my thoughts for the last couple of weeks. A man so certain of what he wants (and doesn't want), that I could not help but admire him more...and then retreat, uncomfortably aware of my own, sometimes fickle, nature.
I told The Wifey about him yesterday, and she pointed out how uncharacteristic it is for me not to fearlessly pursue somebody who piques my interest.
"You respect him and you're intimidated by him? I wanna meet this guy...!"