06 December 2006

An Easy Decision 1 of 2

Out of deference for my partner I had not blogged about this, but having no one to answer to, I am now free to write as I like. I'm sure I'll receive hateful comments, as this is a controversial topic, but I'm prepared to deal with that---I write what I live.

Written 11/3/06

I peed on a stick and the earth stood still.

First Response says:yes. I'm in a family way.

I've thought a lot about what I would do if I was ever in this situation. I dislike most children. The thought of giving birth has always scared and disgusted me. I think babies are like parasites. In fact, they fit the medical definition. They feed off of the host's body, and in extreme cases they can kill you. The whole "miracle of life" thing has never really struck a chord with me.
I've had a bad feeling about this. I was 2 days late and my boobs feel and look like they're ready to pop. I picked up a test on the way home and it confirmed my suspicions.
As far as I'm concerned , there was only one option on how to proceed. Get good and drunk with my best friend...and then, get rid of it.
I thought it would be an easy decision. Don't like 'em, don't want one. Have an abortion. Right?
I also knew I would have to have a talk with my lover. He knew of my suspicions and that I planned to take the test. We had once discussed what I would do if I ever got pregnant, so I figured it would not come as a surprise now. I did want to give him the option, however, to walk away now so that I could just focus on getting through this and not have to worry about our relationship as well.
I was too drunk to talk to him by the time he came over, but we talked this morning. I told him of my fears. I have heard too many stories. Guy is supportive until it's over, then later practically accuses woman of killing his baby. He said he supports my decision 100%, not that he felt I needed him to say it...I'm scared of having to deal with doctors and ectopic pregnancy and I'm confused by everything I'm feeling, as I'm sure he is. We're going to do this together. He wants to be there for me in any way he can. This is also opening the way for communication that needed to happen anyway.

Written 11/9/06

Well, as it turns out it has not been such an easy decision. Maybe my biological clock finally sprang to life, or maybe it's my partner and the way I feel or could feel about him, or any of a number of things. I actually hesitated momentarily before starting to take the herbs and mega-doses of vitamin C I hoped would induce a miscarriage.
After a week of essentially poisoning my body, nothing happened, except that I felt awful. Not only have I been physically ill, but the emotional burden has been overwhelming.
My best friend and my lover have been my constant support. He has suffered a lot too, emotionally. Despite not wanting children either, the reality of this has hit him pretty hard. We have talked a lot about how we feel for each other. I am never certain of his feelings for me or what we have but he has really made an effort and opened up a lot. I have also pushed for acknowledgment that though it's for the best, it is a life that is ending, rather than looking at it as just a medical procedure to deal with a problem. We've both shed a lot of tears. I see or sense things sometimes (a result of the Reiki) and I saw the little boy that it would be. Not an easy thing to think about, for either of us. We did a ritual of sorts, more of a meditation, really, to say goodbye to him, to explain why...I felt a lot better after that and I think he did too.

The day after I wrote this should have been my first clue. I asked him to look up a couple of places and get some basic info--- numbers, cost, etc while I was at work... Instead, he took a nap. No other explanation.

That night, I did my own research. It took me all of 10 minutes, and not a minute of sleep lost. Of course he was all apologies the next day. In order to impress upon him why I wanted to do it quickly I read to him about the developmental stages. At week 5 the heart starts beating. By my calculations I was at week 4. He looked like he was going to throw up.
That Monday I made my appointment. I was worried about getting the money together, but he insisted on paying for the whole thing. Some manly honor or duty thing.
That Friday, the 17th, he accompanied me to the clinic where they gave me the pills that would induce miscarriage. The first round, taken at the clinic, terminates the pregnancy. The second round taken 24 hours later (along with some strong painkillers) expels it.
They cautioned him to feed me a good meal and then make sure that I took a couple of Percocet, despite my protests. He would have to remain with me to make sure I did not hemorrhage. I wasn't really looking forward to the thought of him possibly having to help me change my pads. There are just some things that should never be shared between lovers.
He was the best nursemaid I could have asked for. He laid out a small banquet and made me a little nest of sorts in my living room. We followed all of the instructions, then settled in to watch my favorite movies.
Even with the Percocet it was some of the worst pain I have ever experienced, when it did hurt. It sort of came in waves. Everything worked out fine though. Pretty textbook. I am so afraid of anything having to do with western medicine that I think I focused on the worst-case-scenario stuff, fearing I'd bleed to death on the toilet or something.
My best friend/neighbor came over with her daughter at one point and kept us company for a bit. As much as my partner tried to be there for me, there are just some things only another woman can understand.

All Content Copyright 2008, Juliana Tobón. All Rights Reserved

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